It's Who I Am

I have heard the song “Good, Good Father” by Chris Tomlin a few times recently. (I love the Anthem Lights version at the moment.) I find that, when God wants to speak to my heart, things start repeating themselves around me. Either God wants to make his sweet message very clear, or he knows full well that I am a bit of a slow learner! When songs really reach the depths of my spirit, I find that I am drawn to them and listen to them over and over and over again. My children often hear me listening to a ‘new’ song and ask, “Is that your new favourite song?” They get to know the words of my favourites, too, and I like to hear the girls, especially, singing along. (I tell myself that the boys are singing along in their hearts!)

“Good, Good Father” was not a song that hit me hard the first time I heard it. For me, it didn’t have the immediate powerful message of Lauren Daigle’s “Trust in You” or Matthew West’s “Grace Win Every Time”. It was when I was exercising at home in front of a mirror one day that this song spoke to my heart for the first time. Yes, I did say I was exercising in front of a mirror! At first this was not intentional! Over the years I have watched, bemused, as people work out in front of the floor ceiling mirrors at the gym, marvelling at their vanity. We had recently tidied up a spare room with a large mirror, and it became the perfect place for me to work out on winter mornings.  At first I felt uncomfortable, but after a while, I realised that it was the perfect way to check that my technique was correct. It was also humbling to see all those jiggly bits that I didn’t realise were so noticeable! (That’s it: no more burpees or jump squats while exercising in public at the gym!)

On this particular day, I was having a good day. It was a peaceful time of the month for me. All was right in my little world. I watched as all those parts jiggled. I watched as the waist band of my pants rolled down a little and my shirt lifted as I jumped up. Instead of feeling down on myself as I often do in these situations, I laughed out loud. “It’s who I am,” I thought to myself. Then the song started playing over in the recording of my mind. “It’s who I am.” I love to exercise, but I have all these jiggly bits. “It’s who I am.” I love good food, but I also struggle in a big way with emotional eating. “It’s who I am.”

As I continued to squat and crunch and stretch, this ideology seeped into other areas of my life. I am a crazily dedicated homeschool mum, but my boys hate school and I struggle to maintain a good school routine as a result. It’s been a battle the whole way through! “It’s who I am”. I am not always a crazily dedicated housewife, and I struggle to keep on top of the mess, the dirt, the cockroaches. “It’s who I am.” I have made such stupid mistakes with money over the years that have caused such stress. “It’s who I am.” Our current living arrangement consists of three mobile homes that feel far from a normal house. Sometimes this makes me very embarrassed and ashamed. “It’s who I am”. We are in a complex and hectic stage of life where everything feels like it’s falling apart: our cars, our furniture, our clothes, even my underwear! “It’s who I am.” I know I am slowly learning from my mistakes. One step at a time. I am a work in progress, but in the midst of all this: in the midst of all the debts, the cockroaches, the broken stuff, the jiggly bits and the kids who hate school, I am loved by God.  What a blessed, delicious relief.