I have heard the song “Good, Good Father” by Chris Tomlin a
few times recently. (I love the Anthem Lights version at the moment.) I find that, when God wants to speak to my heart, things
start repeating themselves around me. Either God wants to make his sweet
message very clear, or he knows full well that I am a bit of a slow learner!
When songs really reach the depths of my spirit, I find that I am drawn to them
and listen to them over and over and over again. My children often hear me
listening to a ‘new’ song and ask, “Is that your new favourite song?” They get
to know the words of my favourites, too, and I like to hear the girls,
especially, singing along. (I tell myself that the boys are singing along in
their hearts!)
“Good, Good Father” was not a song that hit me hard the
first time I heard it. For me, it didn’t have the immediate powerful message of
Lauren Daigle’s “Trust in You” or Matthew West’s “Grace Win Every Time”. It was
when I was exercising at home in front of a mirror one day that this song spoke
to my heart for the first time. Yes, I did say I was exercising in front of a
mirror! At first this was not intentional! Over the years I have watched,
bemused, as people work out in front of the floor ceiling mirrors at the gym,
marvelling at their vanity. We had recently tidied up a spare room with a large
mirror, and it became the perfect place for me to work out on winter mornings. At first I felt uncomfortable, but after a
while, I realised that it was the perfect way to check that my technique was
correct. It was also humbling to see all those jiggly bits that I didn’t
realise were so noticeable! (That’s it: no more burpees or jump squats while exercising in
public at the gym!)
On this particular day, I was having a good day. It was a
peaceful time of the month for me. All was right in my little world. I watched as
all those parts jiggled. I watched as the waist band of my pants rolled down a
little and my shirt lifted as I jumped up. Instead of feeling down on myself as I often do in these situations, I laughed out loud. “It’s who I am,” I
thought to myself. Then the song started playing over in the recording of my
mind. “It’s who I am.” I love to exercise, but I have all these jiggly bits.
“It’s who I am.” I love good food, but I also struggle in a big way with
emotional eating. “It’s who I am.”
As I continued to squat and crunch and stretch, this
ideology seeped into other areas of my life. I am a crazily dedicated
homeschool mum, but my boys hate school and I struggle to maintain a good
school routine as a result. It’s been a battle the whole way through! “It’s who
I am”. I am not always a crazily dedicated housewife, and I struggle to
keep on top of the mess, the dirt, the cockroaches. “It’s who I am.” I have
made such stupid mistakes with money over the years that have caused such
stress. “It’s who I am.” Our current living arrangement consists of three
mobile homes that feel far from a normal house. Sometimes this makes me very
embarrassed and ashamed. “It’s who I am”. We are in a complex and hectic stage
of life where everything feels like it’s falling apart: our cars, our
furniture, our clothes, even my underwear! “It’s who I am.” I know I am slowly learning from my mistakes. One step at a time. I am a work in progress, but in the midst of
all this: in the midst of all the debts, the cockroaches, the broken stuff, the
jiggly bits and the kids who hate school, I am loved by God. What a blessed, delicious relief.
